Hats and Bats
Updates from the Coven
The head-witch of the coven has found a new job, a full-time employment wallowing in premenstrual self-pity, fueled by the current political course of the world. The only redemption seems to lie in the reading of trashy love-grimoires and non-stop watching of horse videos on WitchTube. The coven has decided to convene to discuss the situation and, if necessary, organize an intervention. The magical situation is terse, stay tuned for updates.
The cauldron of Culture
Today, Jeremiah Greentumb, our favorite halfling and expert gardener, reports on a new plant species he discovered in his personal forest.
It looks like a stinging nettle, but it doesn’t sting and produces very small slightly acidic fruits, which taste vaguely like raspberries. That’s why he has decided to call it The Nettleberry.
So far, he could not identify any medicinal properties, although further research is needed to determine if this is really the case. Jeremiah, who, himself, is too busy petting bumblebees and dancing across meadows full of butterflies, has his botany apprentice on the case. The results will be available in a scientific paper soon. See below for exclusive images of the Nettleberry.
The Nettleberry
Lifestyle
Summer is just around the corner and the water-witches and wizards among us are preparing for a well-deserved sojourn at the beach. Here are a couple of things you will absolutely need to enjoy your time in the sun.
1. Don’t forget to pack your sunscreen or apply a warding spell to your skin, especially if you live in a dungeon and your skin has acquired that greenish undertone that reminds you a bit of gorgonzola cheese.
2. Take your snorkeling equipment and enjoy a contemplative stroll through the sea flora and fauna. Be respectful though, as you also wouldn’t want a fish to come poking their head into your living room either.
3. Aways be alert for mermaids, princes and Ursulas. You really do not want to get tangled up in THAT love triangle.
4. Don’t forget to enjoy this summer in style with a WITCHKINI. What is a WITCHKINI you may wonder? Wonder no longer! It’s a fourpiece swimmingsuit consisting of a bikini (top and bottom), a pointy hat and a cloak to cover your shoulders. You see, this new marvel of fashion combines the traditional advantages of a bikini with perfect sun protection by means of the hat and the cloak. The hat is available in different versions, including one with an extra piece of fabric to protect pointy elf ears or protruding warts on chins and noses of witches and wizards who prefer the old-school medieval look. More revealing options of the hat are, of course, also available. Finally, the cloak confers that timeless witchy look, while at the same time doubling as a picknick blanket. Whatever rocks your boat, the WITCHKINI caters for you too. Available in 3 different shades of black and 50 shades of grey.
Pots and Potions
On today’s menu a thicccc hearty pie and a magical hot-chocolate for the perfect evening inside. All you need are a lot of dough, consisting mostly of butter with a moderate amount of flouwer and even less water, and a filling of your choosing. I would personally advice against spoiled food, bat wings and excrements of any type. Onions, apples and potatoes all work well though.
For the hot chocolate, you need milk of any type and cacao powder. The most important thing, however, is the cup. It needs to either be inherited from your grandmother or acquired from a thrift shop. 100% of the magic of this drink comes from the cup and 0% from the ingredients!
Enjoy!
Perfect for a summerfeast.
Guru E. Advice: For wholesome advice
Dear Guru E.,
I am writing to you because I have a problem: I am addicted to buying new plants. It took me long enough to realize, but the situation has really gotten out of control. My balcony is so full that it’s almost impossible to walk anymore. I cannot even get rid of weeds because I have grown attached and some of them I am pretty sure are giving me allergy. I spend hours a day planning which new, bee-friendly seeds to plant. I barely have time for friends, because the plants understand me better anyways. What to do?
With greenish greetings,
Plant lover
Dear Plant lover,
This is a very common problem among witches, especially earth and green witches, so know you are not alone. I don’t think your love for plants is bad on its own, but it might be one of those passions that has gotten a little out of control. Too much of anything is always bad. Have you tried valerian and chamomile infusions? If not, I would warmly advice you to plant some.
Wise regards,
Guru E.
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